Hey There!

Yeah, I know it's been a while since I posted. I just can't handle the pressure of being funny all the time. (smile)

Sometimes I just want to chill and vent, and, since this is my blog, I can do whatever I want. HA HA HA HA!!!! I have ABSOLUTE CONTROL!!!!!!!!! Queen of all I survey.

Can you tell I have nothing better to do right now? So the blogs might be different from now on.....or they might not. It all depends on my mood.

Holla at your girl!!

Lungs. Collapsing. Can't. Breathe. GASP!!

I'm thinking I should rename this site "The Bus Ride blogs." It seems that all my stories occur while I'm on the bus!

Here's an update on the ash gray woman. She's STILL ashy, and STILL quite gray.

I had to hold back a laugh as I looked at her. This time she had the decency to try to cover up the offense, however, from between the slouching socks and the too short pants peeked the horror of her crusty skin.

In a previous post I wondered whether or not she noticed her dryness of skin. Guess what! She had lotion today! And she applied it.... TWICE!!! The only problem was she put it on her face. In my mind I'm thinking, "A little lower. No, no, lower. Juuuust a little lower."

At this point my attention was drawn to the passengers boarding the bus. It was getting pretty crowded so I expected the seat next to me to be filled soon. Please note that I was seated at the front of the bus (Thanks to Rosa, God rest her soul) with an empty seat to my left and a pole on my right.

Now, I am not the smallest of women. Life experiences (i.e. Marriage, Childbirth, Age) have all taken their turns adding on the pounds, so I know that whoever sits next to me would have to be my size or smaller for us to be comfortable.

So guess who boards the bus at the next stop? A GI-NORMOUS mountain of a woman with 1....2....3...4...5!!! children in tow, two of which were of the whiny, snot-nosed brat variety. And guess where the only available seat was? That's right next to me. I saw it coming....I saw her coming....I took a deep breath to make myself as small as I could. It didn't help.

Watching her sit down was like hearing a lumberjack yell "TIIIMMMBEEERR!!" And down she came. I could feel my entire body compress as she literally sat ON me. I felt the air squish out of my lungs. Mind you I'm like a toothpick compared to this woman so she pretty much deflated me. So I'm crushed between Goliath's little sister and this metal pole seriously contemplating standing and letting her have the two seats she so obviously needed when she cuts off my escape route. She stands two of her youngest children right in front of me.

I'm losing the feeling in my legs by now. It doesn't help that everytime the driver makes a left turn this human "Tower of Babel" is pressed into me even more. I got a few looks of sympathy from my grimace of pain.

While this is going on I'm trying to keep her snotty faced child from wiping his germs on me, as he keeps laying his head in my lap. (As if his mom's wasn't big enough!) Usually I'm pretty nice to kids. You have to like them a little after working with them for 3 years, but I've found that oxygen deprivation combined with PAIN makes me a little cranky. So I'm pushing the child off of me to keep him from coughing directly on me, when she notices what's going on. The woman actually expanded!! Her massive arm reaced out to her child and in so doing, she covered the rest of my condensed lap.

I found myself begging for her stop. Please stop the bus! Please let more seats empty so I can move. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let the last thing I see before I die be Ashy McAshington Ashbury. I felt like a fly trapped in a spider's web. Heeeelp meee! Heeellllppp Meeeee!! bzzz......bzzzz............gasp!

So my brave bus riding brethren I leave you with this nugget of wisdom:
'Tis better to stand and breathe, than to sit and suffocate!

What's the Malfunction?

Ladies this is for you, although, I'm sure some brothers can relate too.

I'm talking about wardrobe malfunctions! I hate them! The shirt that never stays buttoned. The bra that magically unsnaps itself. (No gentlemen. Contrary to your poorly concealed giggles, this is not a good thing!) The jeans that rip right up the crotch. In church! The underwear that ride up into unspeakable places. Can I get an AMEN somebody!!

They never happen before you leave home so you can change to avoid utter public humiliation. No! They happen at the most unfortunate times in the most crowded of places. Like downtown Baltimore. At rush hour.

I've had this pair of boots for a long time. They were the old faithful standby. The heel was just high enough to be cute but just low enough to be comfortable. I KNOW!!! They were PERFECT!! But Alas, (sheds a tear in remembrance) they let me down.

I'm at work in these perfect boots, just doing my job as usual when BAM!! The entire left sole just up and rips away from the boot. All I can do is stare at it in HORROR! So now I'm torn. How can I fix this in the least possible embarrassing manner? My mind runs down the list of possibilities.

Tear it off the rest of the way? No, what if I can fix it? Besides the stubborn little flap wouldn't come off no matter how hard I yanked. This thing was stuck like Celie to Nettie when Mister tried to drag her off his land!

Staples? No, they'd never make it through the sole
Tape? What? And declare to the world that I'm a Bamma? Don't think so!
Glue? Yeah, that's it! Glue is the answer!
But wouldn't you know there's not a drop of glue in the whole God-forsaken office. What kind of office doesn't have glue? I mean, Hellooo, office supplies.

So, what now? It's time to go home and I still don't have a solution to my problem. Now my only options are to wrap tape around my foot and hope no one notices, ooorrr, I could walk through the streets of Baltimore like some crazy Quasimodo, dragging one foot on the ground, to conceal the broken sole.

My fashion sense completely rebelled at the thought of taping one shoe so I opted for the Qasimodo approach. This worked for about a quarter of a block. At that point I said what the heck and just let the darn thing flap around.

I know people were staring at me like "What in the world is wrong with her?" But they didn't dare say a word because I was walking like, "Yeah I know my foot is flapping like a bird with a broken wing. And I still look good! What!!"

So when I get home I go all MaGyver on the boot and Krazy Glue it back together. Yea!! Problem solved. I continue to wear the boots.

Okay, so I'm leaving work a few days later and wouldn't you know it! That's right people the other shoe drops, so to speak. At this point I'm so tired that I'm beyond caring. People tell me I've got something stuck to my shoe. I look at them like, "REALLY? You'd think I'd notice about 4 inches of click clacking black sole connected to my foot! Huh, go figure." I swear some people should be fined for stupidity. There would be no deficit, economy would be at an all time high! Somebody should tell Bush.

Suffice it to say I held a memorial service for the boots. I mean, fool me once shame on you, EMBARASS and HUMILIATE me twice and I throw in the dumpster. Farewell boots, I shall miss you!

And what brought on this rant? Today my belt broke! HAHAHAHAHA!

Peace and Hairgrease folks.

I'm Still Here

Okay, so I know I've been MIA for a while, but I've got good reasons. Well I'm back. You can look forward to more observations later on.

And remember, Life is short so love each other.

Peace

Smile!!

Okay, so here's another bus ride epiphany for you.

I'm getting ready for work one morning and feeling pretty daring. Usually my work attire is a pair of pants and whatever shirt I own that isn't wrinkled. This day however, I decided that since the weather has been unexpectedly nice I'd wear a skirt. I even put on a little lipstick. Yeah BABY!! I'm workin' it now!

So I'm feeling pretty fly. That is, until I step outside. Not only is it frigidly cold but it's also raining torrentially. Picture Noah's Ark. And wouldn't you know it me without an umbrella. Of all the luck.

So of course, I don't have time to change, just run back in and grab the first umbrella I saw. Turns out it was one of those collapsible contraptions that flips inside out if you breathe too hard.

Now I'm standing at the bus stop shivering and soaked looking hopefully up the street for the bus. I've got my dollar out and everything, because I just KNOW the bus is going to show up any minute. Well it didn't. In fact it didn't show up for several minutes. The darn thing was ten minutes late and I was only 3 minutes from hypothermia and frostbite. (That'll teach me to control my girlish urges to dress up! I'll take warm and frumpy over frozen and cute any day!)

Needless to say at this point that my disposition is steadily wilting, just like the once crisp dollar bill I held in my frost covered fingers. Well the bus finally comes and I practically jump through the door dripping and shaking and veerrry close to causing outright mayhem in a public place.

So I'm trying to force my soggy dollar into the farebox and it just wouldn't work. I'm holding up the line and people are shifting in their seats. But what do I care! The bus was already late, a few more seconds ain't gonna kill ya! It was at this point that the bus driver said, very loudly and with MUCH attitude, "Could you please put your umbrella down so you don't get ME soaked?"

WHAT!!!???

My mind did one of those skips like an old CD. Mentally I just got stuck at that moment trying to figure out if this heifer really did say this to me. After she was LATE!! I think I slipped into one of those parallel bizzaro universes where everything is just plain backwards.

Some people just don't exercise wisdom. I'm already on the edge here. I'm about 2 seconds away from forcing this bus into oncoming traffic just to warm my hands in the blaze of the resulting explosion!

I was in a downward spiral and didn't care who I took with me!! I wanted to take my piece of crap umbrella and shove it down her nasty attitude having, warm and toasty sweater wearing, THROAT! But...(taking a deep breath to calm down here. WWOOOOOSSSSSAAAAHHH!!!) being the Christian that I am, I did none of these things. Suffice it to say, however, I gave the umbrella a good and vigorous shake before I put it down and found a dollar the machine would take. I'll repent Sunday.

I went to my seat thinking, "Whatever happened to customer service?" Hey, nobody forced her to be a bus driver. I mean, if you don't like the job then, by all means, quit!! Should the rest of us have to suffer from the bitterness you have over wasting your life in a dead end job. I THINK NOT!

All I'm saying is: Smile, people. The life you save could be your own!

Oh the Horror!!!!

I ride the bus to work everyday and I see all kinds of people. I usually reserve judgement on most but sometimes you just have to speak out.

To all my fellow people of color I have one word for you. LOTION!! Learn it, live it people.

I was sitting across the aisle from this woman and noticed nothing extraordinary about her in my perusal. That is, until I saw her ankles.
HOLY MOSES!!! My mind simply rebels at the thought that someone could actually expose this horror to the general public and NOT CARE!! There were impressionable young children present for God's sake!

Have some self-respect Lady!! I mean the woman was gray! I'm talking ASH GRAY!! And to add insult to injury she bent down to fix her shoelace COMPLETELY ingnoring the tragedy that was her own reptilian skin! Was she blind? Couldn't she feel the sandpaper texture? Couldn't she hear the scratch and scrape as her legs rubbed together? I think she almost started a fire. I had to physically fight back my gag reflex!

HONESTLY!!! If you're not going to fix it you could at least hide it. I should sue her for causing me Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I promise you, nightmares will ensue.

Please excuse me while I suffer a moment of Hysterical Blindness.

Why Not?

I can't act so I write. I can't dance so I write. I can barely sing so I write. I have this blog so I write. I may as well use the empty space right? So why not write.

Who Let You In?

Can you believe it? They let just anybody (namely me) rant and rave on the internet. I must try to use my power for good!
We'll see what happens.
Nu-A!!!!