I Consider Myself A COLOSSAL Big Deal....Sometimes

I read an article the other day. It was about the complexity of the creative personality. It was eye-opening for me.

I have a big ego. HUGE. MASSIVE. I'm the absolute cockiest SOB I know! I hear Beyonce's "Ego" as my soundtrack on a regular basis! I am WILDLY self-confident, and I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I CAN. BACK. IT. UP.

But, guess what? I have consistently battled low self-esteem, low self-image and CRIPPLING self-doubt. I feel and KNOW that I am THEE least qualified individual on the face of God's green earth! I'm often self-effacing, reticent, and AFRAID!

And ALL of this is OK! It's all contradictory and complimentary to the creative personality! I used to think I was CRAZY! No, seriously. I've doubted myself often because of this duality. Instead of regretting this about myself I've embraced it. Besides, who am I to doubt the way God made me???

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote in his book Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention: “If there is one word that makes creative people different from others, it is the word complexity. Instead of being an individual, they are a multitude. Like the color white that includes all colors, they tend to bring together the entire range of human possibilities within themselves. Creativity allows for paradox, light, shadow, inconsistency, even chaos –and creative people experience both extremes with equal intensity.”

I am NOT crazy. I'm hardwired to think, feel, and act in 3D! The one thing that is most important about living this way is the need for balance. Without it I would swing like a pendulum from one extreme to the other. I would have no equilibrium. God is my stabilizer. He tempers my ego with humility. He counters my fear with confidence. He makes sense of all the insanity inside my head, then he USES it!

So, when I start to think I'm a big deal, I all too easily recall that I'm NOTHING without the presence of God in my life.

Living On The Edge

I've been living on the edge recently. I've gotten used to the edge. That place of peculiar balance. It takes a different kind of strength to live on the edge. A strength that only comes from an understanding of stillness. Too much movement can send you toppling over to one side or the other. Here on the edge you have to practice balance everyday.

I've also been living on the edge of the wilderness, so close to my promised land that I can see it, smell it, and taste it. I've spied it out. Part of my soul was like Caleb and Joshua. I am fully convinced that I can POSSESS my promise. But the other part of me was truly afraid! And that fear nearly sent me back to the wilderness.

The book will be finished this year.

These are the words God said to me Sunday morning. They rocked me. They shook me from my stillness. They also held me to account for the work I'm doing. They pressed me and pressured me.

Right on the heels of that shaking came fear and doubt. How can this be possible? I've been writing this same book for YEARS with no imposed time limit. Now all of a sudden I have a deadline?! Now I have to PROVE my faith!? OH NO!

I tried to justify my fear by telling God "It's not YOU I'm doubting! It's ME!!" "YOU can do anything. I'M the one with limitations." That worked for about a minute. God rebuked me outright! This is what He said:

"If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it THROUGH you. So when you doubt yourself within this plan you ARE doubting me."

OUCH.

That shut me right up. How could I have magically forgotten that I can do "all things through Christ"? I'd been still for so long that this sudden need for movement had me momentarily confused. I'm OK now, though!

I'm going to possess my promise now. I'm crossing Jordan and sacking Jericho. I see God. I see where He's going and I'm following. No. I'm CHASING after Him. God said I can, so I will.