Dreams, Revelations, and A New Philosphy on Fear

“A person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” ~Duke Leto Atreides, DUNE~

Wow. SO much has happened in just two days that I’m at a loss to explain it all!  An amazing opportunity has presented itself to my family and we are jumping FULL FORCE towards it! 

Saturday we went to the Baltimore Convention Center to audition for Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ.  Initially when I heard the radio spot about the auditions I was only thinking of Kylaa.  She has expressed an interest in acting so I figured why not?  My husband also heard the ad and decided to audition as well as bring a family friend along.  I was more than happy to be the chauffeur for the day! Look, I’m just happy to be out of the house on any given occasion!  Oh, but children always have different ideas.

 Kylaa asked me, just once, to audition as well.  Now, that request by itself tugged at me a little.  I suppose it nudged something that had been sleeping inside me for a while.  But that request alone didn’t spur me to my choice.  She just happened to ask me in front of my parents, the sneaky little minor.  It was like blood in the water.  My mother immediately put in her two cents, as only a mother can.  Use it or lose it, I think that was the gist of her argument.  The sleeper inside me turned over and stretched.  My father just asked why not, with an indiscernible look that said “I know something you don’t”.  The sleeper inside me blinked sleep out of its eyes.  I started mulling it over.  No. That’s a lie.  I made my decision right then to audition for acting.  I think I just needed their approval…or better yet, their endorsement of the idea.  Knowing they believed gave me strength to overcome my apprehension.  So the sleeper was now fully awake.  Not only was it awake it was dreaming OUT LOUD, going on and on about all it wanted to do.  The dreamer wanted to sing.  I wanted to sing.

I’ve never made any claim to vocal ability…EVER, but I love to sing.  I adore it!  I’ve never made it through ONE day of my adult life without singing.  I sing to make it through my mind numbing day job.  I make up my own songs, sing them, then write them down and call them poems.  I sing all the time and when people take notice I laugh it off, as if I were only playing around.  Singing isn’t a hobby.  It is a way of life.  It is a coping mechanism.  It is a survival tactic.  But I’ve never told anyone this.  Why?  Because I was afraid.  Afraid and ashamed and intimidated.  I have been crippled by self-doubt and constantly comparing myself to others.  I would constantly whisper to myself and say to others, I can’t blow like Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson.  I can’t sing like Will Lindsay. (yeah. I compared myself to my husband too.)  Years of this kind of reasoning stole my voice, just snuffed it out.

I’m not sure how the conversation with my parents turned towards the audition.  But the Monday before the audition I was talking to them and one of them brought up singing…AGAIN.  I cringed, but the dreamer was GIDDY with anticipation.  My mother is a very vocal person.  When she has an opinion you WILL know.  And boy did she EVER have an opinion about me auditioning!  But that just made me want to curl into a ball and hide somewhere.  My dad is the exact opposite.  He got on the phone and in his calm, observant way told me that he listens to me sing all the time.  He knows I joke about it and laugh it off but He REALLY listens.  He told me he heard my talent.  He wanted the rest of the world to hear it too.  I cried.  I think when a singer or any artist really, a “need it to survive” artist, goes unheard or unnoticed it’s like being mute, invisible, and on fire in a crowded room.  It’s like you’re dying but no one knows.  My father saved my life with that conversation.

That Saturday we auditioned as a family.  For the record, Kylaa NAILED it!  She auditioned for acting and modeling and blew that guy away!  She was so nervous she started to cry, but she got herself together, got over it and did her thing! I am SO INCREDIBLY proud of her!  Lindsay did his thing too, but I never doubted for a moment he would be anything other than awesome!  Our adopted sister Maya was also incredible!  She and Lindsay performed a skit that they co-wrote.  PHENOMENAL!

When my turn came I chose to do the acting first.  I read some commercial copy for finishline athletic footwear. (good thing I wore my chucks!)  Then came the singing.  The dreamer in me was so excited I thought I was going to be sick!  I chose “Amado Mio” by Pink Martini.  I took a deep breath closed my eyes and everything went away.  It came right back, though.  Dave (the man who auditioned us) stopped me after “Mio”, the second word in the song.  “Yeah.  That’s all I need to hear!”  Then he laughed.  Honestly, at that point I didn’t even care what he thought!  I had just sung FULL OUT with everything in me in front of a stranger whose only job was to JUDGE me!  I WIN!

His feedback was positive for all of us.  I was so elated I was light-headed.  My dramatic fainting in the hallway was only half in jest!  Regardless of the outcome I was euphoric!  I had just conquered one of the biggest fears in my life.  Instead of letting fear be my obstacle, I used it to spur me onward.  I was freaking out internally all day Friday and all of Saturday morning!  When I’m nervous or afraid like that I get very spastic.  What others may think is excitement is my way of NOT screaming in sheer terror.

Anyway, we all left the convention center on cloud nine.  We were told that we would get a phone call by 4pm Sunday.  By 3:30pm I was getting antsy!  The phone rang at 3:45.  We were in!  We all made it for our top choices!! EVERY LAST ONE OF US!  We got a glowing recommendation from Dave!  Not only that, he recommended me for something I didn’t even audition for! (Commercial Modeling)  So we have a standing invitation to perform at the AMTC SHINE event in Florida next year!  VERY EXCITING! 

There is a substantial cost involved, of course.  This is something else I’m afraid of, the high cost of dreaming.  It is sobering to say the least.  But the cost of NOT chasing it is so much higher.  I don’t want that for my daughter.  I don’t want her to have to bear the weight of regret.  I don’t want her to experience the heart-hardening of a dream deferred.  I don’t want that for my husband, who has been chasing his dream for more than 20 years.  I want them to know there is a reason, a point, and a purpose for their existence.

If you’re reading this, if you have a dream sleeping inside you, I hope it wakes you up and inspires you.  Don’t let your dream stay comatose.  Also, if you’re reading this we would be so grateful if you were moved to help in any way.  We welcome all your prayers and well wishes, they make our heart glad, SERIOUSLY!  But even more than that, we welcome your donations.  NO AMOUNT is too small to give!  We will even take your pennies!  That is the cost of changing a life…changing three lives!  If we've touched your life in any way please help us reach even more people.  You can contact me via email: Cherece.lindsay@gmail.com

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