What's the Malfunction?

Ladies this is for you, although, I'm sure some brothers can relate too.

I'm talking about wardrobe malfunctions! I hate them! The shirt that never stays buttoned. The bra that magically unsnaps itself. (No gentlemen. Contrary to your poorly concealed giggles, this is not a good thing!) The jeans that rip right up the crotch. In church! The underwear that ride up into unspeakable places. Can I get an AMEN somebody!!

They never happen before you leave home so you can change to avoid utter public humiliation. No! They happen at the most unfortunate times in the most crowded of places. Like downtown Baltimore. At rush hour.

I've had this pair of boots for a long time. They were the old faithful standby. The heel was just high enough to be cute but just low enough to be comfortable. I KNOW!!! They were PERFECT!! But Alas, (sheds a tear in remembrance) they let me down.

I'm at work in these perfect boots, just doing my job as usual when BAM!! The entire left sole just up and rips away from the boot. All I can do is stare at it in HORROR! So now I'm torn. How can I fix this in the least possible embarrassing manner? My mind runs down the list of possibilities.

Tear it off the rest of the way? No, what if I can fix it? Besides the stubborn little flap wouldn't come off no matter how hard I yanked. This thing was stuck like Celie to Nettie when Mister tried to drag her off his land!

Staples? No, they'd never make it through the sole
Tape? What? And declare to the world that I'm a Bamma? Don't think so!
Glue? Yeah, that's it! Glue is the answer!
But wouldn't you know there's not a drop of glue in the whole God-forsaken office. What kind of office doesn't have glue? I mean, Hellooo, office supplies.

So, what now? It's time to go home and I still don't have a solution to my problem. Now my only options are to wrap tape around my foot and hope no one notices, ooorrr, I could walk through the streets of Baltimore like some crazy Quasimodo, dragging one foot on the ground, to conceal the broken sole.

My fashion sense completely rebelled at the thought of taping one shoe so I opted for the Qasimodo approach. This worked for about a quarter of a block. At that point I said what the heck and just let the darn thing flap around.

I know people were staring at me like "What in the world is wrong with her?" But they didn't dare say a word because I was walking like, "Yeah I know my foot is flapping like a bird with a broken wing. And I still look good! What!!"

So when I get home I go all MaGyver on the boot and Krazy Glue it back together. Yea!! Problem solved. I continue to wear the boots.

Okay, so I'm leaving work a few days later and wouldn't you know it! That's right people the other shoe drops, so to speak. At this point I'm so tired that I'm beyond caring. People tell me I've got something stuck to my shoe. I look at them like, "REALLY? You'd think I'd notice about 4 inches of click clacking black sole connected to my foot! Huh, go figure." I swear some people should be fined for stupidity. There would be no deficit, economy would be at an all time high! Somebody should tell Bush.

Suffice it to say I held a memorial service for the boots. I mean, fool me once shame on you, EMBARASS and HUMILIATE me twice and I throw in the dumpster. Farewell boots, I shall miss you!

And what brought on this rant? Today my belt broke! HAHAHAHAHA!

Peace and Hairgrease folks.