Lungs. Collapsing. Can't. Breathe. GASP!!

I'm thinking I should rename this site "The Bus Ride blogs." It seems that all my stories occur while I'm on the bus!

Here's an update on the ash gray woman. She's STILL ashy, and STILL quite gray.

I had to hold back a laugh as I looked at her. This time she had the decency to try to cover up the offense, however, from between the slouching socks and the too short pants peeked the horror of her crusty skin.

In a previous post I wondered whether or not she noticed her dryness of skin. Guess what! She had lotion today! And she applied it.... TWICE!!! The only problem was she put it on her face. In my mind I'm thinking, "A little lower. No, no, lower. Juuuust a little lower."

At this point my attention was drawn to the passengers boarding the bus. It was getting pretty crowded so I expected the seat next to me to be filled soon. Please note that I was seated at the front of the bus (Thanks to Rosa, God rest her soul) with an empty seat to my left and a pole on my right.

Now, I am not the smallest of women. Life experiences (i.e. Marriage, Childbirth, Age) have all taken their turns adding on the pounds, so I know that whoever sits next to me would have to be my size or smaller for us to be comfortable.

So guess who boards the bus at the next stop? A GI-NORMOUS mountain of a woman with 1....2....3...4...5!!! children in tow, two of which were of the whiny, snot-nosed brat variety. And guess where the only available seat was? That's right next to me. I saw it coming....I saw her coming....I took a deep breath to make myself as small as I could. It didn't help.

Watching her sit down was like hearing a lumberjack yell "TIIIMMMBEEERR!!" And down she came. I could feel my entire body compress as she literally sat ON me. I felt the air squish out of my lungs. Mind you I'm like a toothpick compared to this woman so she pretty much deflated me. So I'm crushed between Goliath's little sister and this metal pole seriously contemplating standing and letting her have the two seats she so obviously needed when she cuts off my escape route. She stands two of her youngest children right in front of me.

I'm losing the feeling in my legs by now. It doesn't help that everytime the driver makes a left turn this human "Tower of Babel" is pressed into me even more. I got a few looks of sympathy from my grimace of pain.

While this is going on I'm trying to keep her snotty faced child from wiping his germs on me, as he keeps laying his head in my lap. (As if his mom's wasn't big enough!) Usually I'm pretty nice to kids. You have to like them a little after working with them for 3 years, but I've found that oxygen deprivation combined with PAIN makes me a little cranky. So I'm pushing the child off of me to keep him from coughing directly on me, when she notices what's going on. The woman actually expanded!! Her massive arm reaced out to her child and in so doing, she covered the rest of my condensed lap.

I found myself begging for her stop. Please stop the bus! Please let more seats empty so I can move. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let the last thing I see before I die be Ashy McAshington Ashbury. I felt like a fly trapped in a spider's web. Heeeelp meee! Heeellllppp Meeeee!! bzzz......bzzzz............gasp!

So my brave bus riding brethren I leave you with this nugget of wisdom:
'Tis better to stand and breathe, than to sit and suffocate!

What's the Malfunction?

Ladies this is for you, although, I'm sure some brothers can relate too.

I'm talking about wardrobe malfunctions! I hate them! The shirt that never stays buttoned. The bra that magically unsnaps itself. (No gentlemen. Contrary to your poorly concealed giggles, this is not a good thing!) The jeans that rip right up the crotch. In church! The underwear that ride up into unspeakable places. Can I get an AMEN somebody!!

They never happen before you leave home so you can change to avoid utter public humiliation. No! They happen at the most unfortunate times in the most crowded of places. Like downtown Baltimore. At rush hour.

I've had this pair of boots for a long time. They were the old faithful standby. The heel was just high enough to be cute but just low enough to be comfortable. I KNOW!!! They were PERFECT!! But Alas, (sheds a tear in remembrance) they let me down.

I'm at work in these perfect boots, just doing my job as usual when BAM!! The entire left sole just up and rips away from the boot. All I can do is stare at it in HORROR! So now I'm torn. How can I fix this in the least possible embarrassing manner? My mind runs down the list of possibilities.

Tear it off the rest of the way? No, what if I can fix it? Besides the stubborn little flap wouldn't come off no matter how hard I yanked. This thing was stuck like Celie to Nettie when Mister tried to drag her off his land!

Staples? No, they'd never make it through the sole
Tape? What? And declare to the world that I'm a Bamma? Don't think so!
Glue? Yeah, that's it! Glue is the answer!
But wouldn't you know there's not a drop of glue in the whole God-forsaken office. What kind of office doesn't have glue? I mean, Hellooo, office supplies.

So, what now? It's time to go home and I still don't have a solution to my problem. Now my only options are to wrap tape around my foot and hope no one notices, ooorrr, I could walk through the streets of Baltimore like some crazy Quasimodo, dragging one foot on the ground, to conceal the broken sole.

My fashion sense completely rebelled at the thought of taping one shoe so I opted for the Qasimodo approach. This worked for about a quarter of a block. At that point I said what the heck and just let the darn thing flap around.

I know people were staring at me like "What in the world is wrong with her?" But they didn't dare say a word because I was walking like, "Yeah I know my foot is flapping like a bird with a broken wing. And I still look good! What!!"

So when I get home I go all MaGyver on the boot and Krazy Glue it back together. Yea!! Problem solved. I continue to wear the boots.

Okay, so I'm leaving work a few days later and wouldn't you know it! That's right people the other shoe drops, so to speak. At this point I'm so tired that I'm beyond caring. People tell me I've got something stuck to my shoe. I look at them like, "REALLY? You'd think I'd notice about 4 inches of click clacking black sole connected to my foot! Huh, go figure." I swear some people should be fined for stupidity. There would be no deficit, economy would be at an all time high! Somebody should tell Bush.

Suffice it to say I held a memorial service for the boots. I mean, fool me once shame on you, EMBARASS and HUMILIATE me twice and I throw in the dumpster. Farewell boots, I shall miss you!

And what brought on this rant? Today my belt broke! HAHAHAHAHA!

Peace and Hairgrease folks.

I'm Still Here

Okay, so I know I've been MIA for a while, but I've got good reasons. Well I'm back. You can look forward to more observations later on.

And remember, Life is short so love each other.

Peace